Mother and Daughter

I'm leaving in a few days to fly to Washington to visit my mother.  So my thoughts have been dwelling on my kids, especially my daughter.  Of course, they do anyway.  But contemplating a visit with my mom got me thinking of the relationship between a mother and daughter.  And also the circumstances of my separation.  Because within the first six months of my separation I went to stay with my mom.

Shortly after we separated, my husband stopped paying the mortgage on the house and did not put any money into our joint bank account.  He did not follow temporary court-orders to continue paying the mortgage and pay me spousal.  And my attorney told me, do not, under any circumstances, get a job. (With the assumption I would be awarded spousal support when the divorce became final, since for seventeen years I was a stay-at-home mom.)

After I had sold all my jewelry and used up my remaining credit to try to pay bills and stay fed, I panicked.  I was in fear every day, because of the unpaid mortgage bills, that cops would come knocking on the door to kick me out.  I panicked. And thinking I had no other option, I went to WA to stay with my mom.

My kids were already at their dad's after having said they wanted to live with him.   I think of how they must have felt when I went to Washington.  Abandoned, unloved, alone, afraid.  How their dad would have used that against me, "See your mom doesn't love you.  She doesn't care about you. She abandoned you. She left you and went to Washington."  Put pain and anguish and loss into their hearts.  I feel guilty thinking that by leaving I made them feel abandoned and unloved.  How much pain and loss and fear I put into their hearts.  Especially my daughter.  Only eleven years old and a mommy's girl.

I will be in WA again, soon. My sister and her family live there, too, just a few miles from my mother.  I will be there for both my niece's and my sister's birthdays.

I started thinking, when was the last time my daughter saw her cousin?  My daughter and I went to see my sister soon after she gave birth.  Just the two of us.  I have photos of my daughter holding her days-old baby cousin, cradling her carefully in her arms, beaming into the camera.  She was so excited to have a baby cousin, especially a girl cousin, being the only girl with brothers. My daughter was nine years old then.  I didn't know I had only two years left with her.

My daughter and I had driven from the Portland airport together  to her aunt's.  My sister lived in a remote part of southern Oregon.  It was about a five hour drive.  My daughter brought her enormous stuffed horse with her on the trip.  My sister had five horses that my daughter loved and got to ride when we visited.  My daughter's stuffed horse's name was Coco and she was a Bay.  On our long drive back to the airport, Coco became a TV newscaster horse.  She talked about all kinds of things as a TV newscaster.  She was also a weather reporter, and an interviewer, and she interviewed both my daughter and I.  This was the entertainment for much of our five hour drive.  My daughter as Coco was very engaging, funny and quirky.  We laughed and laughed.

During the time at my sister's, my daughter and I had gone to a nearby lake.  We brought a raft boat with oars, and a picnic lunch.  My daughter refused to help oar and instead demanded that I get us around to different parts of the lake.  So  I oared and if I wasn't going as fast as she ordered, I would get into the lake and push the boat kicking my feet wildly.  She enjoyed getting mommy to do her bidding.  On shore we feed bread to the ducks.  A large flock of happily quacking ducks gathered at our feet, but then geese came and scared the ducks away.   My daughter didn't want to give the mean geese any food.  I didn't either.  So we began throwing rocks into the lake as if they were bread, and giggled deviously as the geese dove down to get the 'food.'  My oldest son would have said that was not nice, and not respecting the geese's feelings.  But my daughter and I found it most humorous to trick the geese.

I found a bracelet she made for me today while starting to pack for my trip.  I know where all the things are that she made for me, but I try not to look at them because it always makes me cry.  She made the bracelet from a jewlery kit.  It is a black band, like a watch strap, and on it silver letters spell "MOM" with a heart on each side.

http://www.squidoo.com/parent-alienation-syndrome-PAS#module124801321

What Causes Parent Alienation?

Parent who alienate have serious unresolved personal issues.

"What causes a parent to want to damage the relationship of their own child with the other parent at their own child's expense? Intentions differ from one parent to the next, but psychologists have suggested the following as potential motivators:

* An alienating parent may have unresolved anger toward the other parent for perceived wrongs during the relationship and may be unable to separate those issues from parenting issues.
* An alienating parent may have unresolved issues from their childhood, particularly in how they related to their own parents, which he or she projects onto the other parent (whether or not it's factually accurate).
* An alienating parent may have a personality disorder, such as narcissism or paranoia, which makes him or her unable to empathize with the child's feelings or see the way their behavior is harming the child. Such personality disorders may also make the alienating parent more likely to be jealous of the other parent's adjustment to the breakup and cause the alienating parent to have extreme rage toward the other parent.
* An alienating parent may be so insecure as to his or her own parenting skills that he or she projects those concerns onto the other parent, regardless of reality.
* An alienating parent may be so wrapped up in their child's life that he or she has no separate identity and sees the child's relationship with the other parent as a threat.
* Sometimes new spouses or grandparents push the alienating parent into inappropriate behavior for their own inappropriate reasons, and the alienating parent isn't strong enough to resist them."

SOURCE: Lawyers.com
http://family-law.lawyers.com/visitation-rights/Parental-Alienation-Syndrome.html

"Children do not naturally lose interest in and become distant from their nonresidential parent simply by virtue of the absence of that parent. Also, healthy and established parental relationships do not erode naturally of their own accord. They must be attacked."
-- Michael Bone and Michael Walsh, Florida Bar Journal, March 1999http://www.squidoo.com/parent-alienation-syndrome-PAS#module124782311

 I tell my husband stories about my kids constantly. They are happy, funny stories to me. Then I get sad. My husband says the memories keep my kids alive for me. He also says that I think if I am in pain I am maintaining a connection with them. I discount that comment a bit. He may be right. But this is a man who has never had children. How can you explain to someone who has never had kids that the umbilical cord is never fully cut?

The stories I tell him about my daughter I have told over and over. There is the story about how she named her kitten, Meow, when she was two years old, because, well, it said, "Meow." And how she named her parakeet, Chirp, (she was older when she got her bird) for the same reason. And that she named her puppy, Berlioz, after the kitten in the Aristocats. And her next parakeet, Leonard, she named after the barn kitty she loved at my dad's. And how she brought a baby chick home from school. A mom  brought a box of baby chicks to school after Easter to give away (and no, we did not live in the country.) 


I tell my husband how she named her chicken Drew, after the actress Drew Barrymore, and how she kept Drew in a box in her bedroom. How Drew as a chick, would ride around on her shoulder, and eat risotto out of a bowl at the dining room table. Soon Drew got big and moved into the garage. Then we noticed she was growing bright green tail feathers that seemed a bit colorful for an ordinary chicken.  Not that we knew much about chickens. And a large red comb on the top of her head. And started going cock-a doodle-do early in the morning. So my daughter's chick named Drew grew up to be a rooster. Unfortunately, in the suburbs they frown on roosters crowing in the morning. So the rooster my daughter named after Drew Barrymore had to go live on a farm.

We had many more animals because of my daughter and her love of them.  And one of my favorite stories is of my daughter naming her cat, Meow, and her bird, Chirp, and her dog after a cat, and her bird after a cat, and her rooster after an actress.

And who else am I going to tell the stories to?  If I was with my daughter we would probably tell each other.  When I was married to my ex-husband we would reminisce together over each stage of our children's lives. And when you are together as a family you have shared memories. 


Now I tell my husband.  Who has never had children.  He laughs.  He listens patiently.  He doesn't like to see me cry.  But he doesn't understand how my children grew in my womb and the roots are still there.

Reunification Therapy Dreams

My ex had said again he would take our daughter for reunification therapy with me. He had said that back around Christmas time to get me to sign for her passport...so I kept on him about it. But yet I am the mother who doesn't want to see her kids. Who doesn't care about them. The mother of a daughter who told the friend of a friend, "My mom doesn't love me, doesn't care about me." God, it is so hard to write those words . Nothing could be further from the truth. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my kids. I found a reunification therapist--which is hard to do...it is a specialization and not a lot of therapist do it. I talked with her, told her I hadn't seen my daughter in five years, no it was not court-ordered currently (although it had been at the time of our separation and divorce), and that my ex had agreed he would take her--again. The therapist asked, "What makes you think he'll do it this time?" I said I really didn't think he would, but I had to try anyway. She discussed with me what she would do in the event that he did take her. She said she would first see my daughter alone, and that there was the chance my daughter would not want to see me, would not agree to have me come into therapy. I said that was ok, of course that's not what I wanted, but I wanted to get help for my daughter. She said she would need my ex's consent as well as mine to see my daughter because she was a minor. Could I get that consent from him or would I prefer that she talk to him. I said he would probably prefer to talk to her instead of me. We set up a several potential tentative appointment in order to give him many options. She then said that I could give her information to my ex-husband, and I also gave her his number. She said to tell him that if she didn't hear from him by Friday that she would call him. This was Wednesday. I texted my ex-husband all of the information that Wednesday afternoon. Within an hour he called the therapist. I had told her he would. I said he would love to talk to her so he could tell her all about me, how awful I was. She chuckled. She had been doing reunification therapy for quite a long time. He then set up an appointment with the therapist which were none of the dates I had offered. She called me after she had spoken with him. She told me she had stressed to him the importance of getting help for my daughter, even if the sessions did not include me, so that she could have some resolution with things. She also stressed how this could negatively impact all her future relationships. He did set up a date. I agreed to it. Also I would be paying for this therapy out of pocket. $200 a session. I really didn't (and don't) have the money, but I would figure out a way. (Since my divorce I have been broke.) I told the therapist any date he set was fine, I would show up. In desperation. Desperation just to look at my daughter. See her in person. See her walk by into the therapist's office. He soon canceled the appointment. He said our daughter had an orthodontist appointment. He told the therapist, not me. He said he would check with his daughter and see what dates were good for her. This took another week. He then set another date. Which in a day or so he canceled too. This time he said she had finals. She is a sophmore in high school. I didn't even know they had finals. The therapist then set another date with him. Each time she called me to let me know of the appointment and the subsequent cancellation. This next time he canceled he said she had honors classes that went late, something like that. I texted about a week later to tell him to pick any date and time that was good for him and I would be there. He did not respond for many days. I texted the same message again. About three days later I got a text stating, "We will not be going with____. You will have to pick another therapist that is closer." I texted back asking him where he would like the location to be. Again, no response. I waited awhile and texted again. A part of me was telling myself the whole time, don't get your hopes up, he is never going to take her. He is going to do his best to keep the kids away from you forever. Again, I called asking the location he preferred. I have actually called rather than texted many times. He does not answer and I don't know really why I try. I keep hoping if he answers I can talk sense into him, plead my case. And again a huge part of me says, talking to him will only make you feel crazy. On the off chance that he would answer, he would tell you how wrong you are, or be manipulative and try to make you believe he is so reasonable and the situation is all the kids' choice. I researched and found another reunification therapist a few miles from his house. She did not seem as experienced as the first one, but she was close. He texted back that he was on a business trip and would contact me when he returned. I was wondering, what business? As soon as we separated he began taking 'business trips' all the time. I suppose it's possible, but last I knew he was a trash man. With a weapons business on the side. Yes, weapons. He is a licensed FFL gun dealer. That is why when we separated and he threatened to kill me, people were actually afraid. He had, locked in a gun safe, about 25 guns. Anyway, no call after this 'business' trip. And I don't expect there will be one. I suppose I have false hope. He will take her to therapy. She will suddenly want me in her life. She will not feel she is betraying her father. The years of brainwashing will be erased from her mind. But no call. Just canceled appointments. The knife twisted in the wound.

Another Un-Mother's Day...some hope

Another Mother's Day came and went. Without a word from my kids. I've come to dread Mother's Day. Just like I dread every holiday now. Including my children's birthdays. Because I know I will feel sad, I will be depressed. I will feel even more empty inside. The emptiness will seem as deep and ravaging as though someone I loved dearly had just died. And that is how I felt every day at first. Now it has lessened. These days there may be few hours that pass when I don't think about my kids. But still my children are always there..on my mind...an aching in my heart. And I'M SICK of hearing myself talk about this subject. Yes, I don't have my kids. I haven't seen them in five years. Now my sons are 19 and 21. Poor me, poor me. I am the broken record player, the needle stuck in the same groove...on and on...nothing changes...I am on repeat, over and over. I haven't wanted to write on this blog for a while because nearly every time I do, I cry. I hate to think about the situation. I feel the absence of the missed years with my kids. I am stuck in 2007. My children are still 11, 14 and 16 to me. And I still feel as though I am bound and caged, powerless to help them. I can see them from my jail cell, and I stick my hands through the bars but I cannot reach them. I watch them being hurt and abused and I struggle against the bars but I am powerless to help them. I have been crippled from doing my job as their mother. I now know I will live no matter how much pain this has caused me or continues to cause me. I guess that is the hope. And I can convey that to others. I spoke with a grandmother the other day. Her daughter is in a similar situation to mine. Her daughter's ex-husband sounds very similar to mine. The grandmother misses her grandson terribly, worries about him. He is ten, almost eleven. (The age my daughter was when I saw her last.) It has been eight months since she's seen her grandson. Part of me wanted to say, "Eight months?! That's nothing! Try five years!" Of course, I didn't. I told her she wasn't alone. I told her I felt for her pain. I wanted to tell her to have hope that she'll see him again...but I didn't. I don't know if she will. When at first I didn't see my kids for a few weeks it was agonizing. I kept praying, any day now, I'll see them. I'll talk to them. It didn't happen. Weeks became months. Months became a year. A year became five years. And I know for a teenager, five years is a lifetime. So the only hope I could give her was the small hope I have. That the pain will lessen with time.

Parental Alienation Support shared a link. Monday http://parsippany.patch.com/blog_posts/april-25-is-parental-alienation-awareness-day April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day parsippany.patch.com These are characteristics of an alienated child. 1Like · · Share 2 people like this. Parental Alienation Support ‎"I am a psychotherapist who has treated families affected by parental alienation for many years in King of Prussia, PA. I also am a woman. I also am a mom. I also am a targeted parent. There are as many mothers as fathers who come to me with lives profoundly scarred by this terrible form of psychological child abuse. Women are equally as vulnerable as men and deserve our support and understanding. " The article offers a lot of informed responses to misinformation-- evidenced by comments that stem from the tender years presumption. Monday at 11:27pm ·