Reunification Therapy Dreams

My ex had said again he would take our daughter for reunification therapy with me. He had said that back around Christmas time to get me to sign for her passport...so I kept on him about it. But yet I am the mother who doesn't want to see her kids. Who doesn't care about them. The mother of a daughter who told the friend of a friend, "My mom doesn't love me, doesn't care about me." God, it is so hard to write those words . Nothing could be further from the truth. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my kids. I found a reunification therapist--which is hard to do...it is a specialization and not a lot of therapist do it. I talked with her, told her I hadn't seen my daughter in five years, no it was not court-ordered currently (although it had been at the time of our separation and divorce), and that my ex had agreed he would take her--again. The therapist asked, "What makes you think he'll do it this time?" I said I really didn't think he would, but I had to try anyway. She discussed with me what she would do in the event that he did take her. She said she would first see my daughter alone, and that there was the chance my daughter would not want to see me, would not agree to have me come into therapy. I said that was ok, of course that's not what I wanted, but I wanted to get help for my daughter. She said she would need my ex's consent as well as mine to see my daughter because she was a minor. Could I get that consent from him or would I prefer that she talk to him. I said he would probably prefer to talk to her instead of me. We set up a several potential tentative appointment in order to give him many options. She then said that I could give her information to my ex-husband, and I also gave her his number. She said to tell him that if she didn't hear from him by Friday that she would call him. This was Wednesday. I texted my ex-husband all of the information that Wednesday afternoon. Within an hour he called the therapist. I had told her he would. I said he would love to talk to her so he could tell her all about me, how awful I was. She chuckled. She had been doing reunification therapy for quite a long time. He then set up an appointment with the therapist which were none of the dates I had offered. She called me after she had spoken with him. She told me she had stressed to him the importance of getting help for my daughter, even if the sessions did not include me, so that she could have some resolution with things. She also stressed how this could negatively impact all her future relationships. He did set up a date. I agreed to it. Also I would be paying for this therapy out of pocket. $200 a session. I really didn't (and don't) have the money, but I would figure out a way. (Since my divorce I have been broke.) I told the therapist any date he set was fine, I would show up. In desperation. Desperation just to look at my daughter. See her in person. See her walk by into the therapist's office. He soon canceled the appointment. He said our daughter had an orthodontist appointment. He told the therapist, not me. He said he would check with his daughter and see what dates were good for her. This took another week. He then set another date. Which in a day or so he canceled too. This time he said she had finals. She is a sophmore in high school. I didn't even know they had finals. The therapist then set another date with him. Each time she called me to let me know of the appointment and the subsequent cancellation. This next time he canceled he said she had honors classes that went late, something like that. I texted about a week later to tell him to pick any date and time that was good for him and I would be there. He did not respond for many days. I texted the same message again. About three days later I got a text stating, "We will not be going with____. You will have to pick another therapist that is closer." I texted back asking him where he would like the location to be. Again, no response. I waited awhile and texted again. A part of me was telling myself the whole time, don't get your hopes up, he is never going to take her. He is going to do his best to keep the kids away from you forever. Again, I called asking the location he preferred. I have actually called rather than texted many times. He does not answer and I don't know really why I try. I keep hoping if he answers I can talk sense into him, plead my case. And again a huge part of me says, talking to him will only make you feel crazy. On the off chance that he would answer, he would tell you how wrong you are, or be manipulative and try to make you believe he is so reasonable and the situation is all the kids' choice. I researched and found another reunification therapist a few miles from his house. She did not seem as experienced as the first one, but she was close. He texted back that he was on a business trip and would contact me when he returned. I was wondering, what business? As soon as we separated he began taking 'business trips' all the time. I suppose it's possible, but last I knew he was a trash man. With a weapons business on the side. Yes, weapons. He is a licensed FFL gun dealer. That is why when we separated and he threatened to kill me, people were actually afraid. He had, locked in a gun safe, about 25 guns. Anyway, no call after this 'business' trip. And I don't expect there will be one. I suppose I have false hope. He will take her to therapy. She will suddenly want me in her life. She will not feel she is betraying her father. The years of brainwashing will be erased from her mind. But no call. Just canceled appointments. The knife twisted in the wound.

Another Un-Mother's Day...some hope

Another Mother's Day came and went. Without a word from my kids. I've come to dread Mother's Day. Just like I dread every holiday now. Including my children's birthdays. Because I know I will feel sad, I will be depressed. I will feel even more empty inside. The emptiness will seem as deep and ravaging as though someone I loved dearly had just died. And that is how I felt every day at first. Now it has lessened. These days there may be few hours that pass when I don't think about my kids. But still my children are always there..on my mind...an aching in my heart. And I'M SICK of hearing myself talk about this subject. Yes, I don't have my kids. I haven't seen them in five years. Now my sons are 19 and 21. Poor me, poor me. I am the broken record player, the needle stuck in the same groove...on and on...nothing changes...I am on repeat, over and over. I haven't wanted to write on this blog for a while because nearly every time I do, I cry. I hate to think about the situation. I feel the absence of the missed years with my kids. I am stuck in 2007. My children are still 11, 14 and 16 to me. And I still feel as though I am bound and caged, powerless to help them. I can see them from my jail cell, and I stick my hands through the bars but I cannot reach them. I watch them being hurt and abused and I struggle against the bars but I am powerless to help them. I have been crippled from doing my job as their mother. I now know I will live no matter how much pain this has caused me or continues to cause me. I guess that is the hope. And I can convey that to others. I spoke with a grandmother the other day. Her daughter is in a similar situation to mine. Her daughter's ex-husband sounds very similar to mine. The grandmother misses her grandson terribly, worries about him. He is ten, almost eleven. (The age my daughter was when I saw her last.) It has been eight months since she's seen her grandson. Part of me wanted to say, "Eight months?! That's nothing! Try five years!" Of course, I didn't. I told her she wasn't alone. I told her I felt for her pain. I wanted to tell her to have hope that she'll see him again...but I didn't. I don't know if she will. When at first I didn't see my kids for a few weeks it was agonizing. I kept praying, any day now, I'll see them. I'll talk to them. It didn't happen. Weeks became months. Months became a year. A year became five years. And I know for a teenager, five years is a lifetime. So the only hope I could give her was the small hope I have. That the pain will lessen with time.

Parental Alienation Support shared a link. Monday http://parsippany.patch.com/blog_posts/april-25-is-parental-alienation-awareness-day April 25 is Parental Alienation Awareness Day parsippany.patch.com These are characteristics of an alienated child. 1Like · · Share 2 people like this. Parental Alienation Support ‎"I am a psychotherapist who has treated families affected by parental alienation for many years in King of Prussia, PA. I also am a woman. I also am a mom. I also am a targeted parent. There are as many mothers as fathers who come to me with lives profoundly scarred by this terrible form of psychological child abuse. Women are equally as vulnerable as men and deserve our support and understanding. " The article offers a lot of informed responses to misinformation-- evidenced by comments that stem from the tender years presumption. Monday at 11:27pm ·

So I'm a Crack-Head

I have found out I am a crack addict. Not really. That is what my ex-husband and his wife tell people. Turns out my ex's new wife is good friends with an aquaintace of mine, who is friends with some of my good friends. Small world, yes, indeed. So apparently the story is that I am a crack-head loser who doesn't care about her children and is unsafe for them to be around. I am crazy. I left my kids for a drug addict loser boyfriend. So goes the story. My first thought to that was, if I was on crack wouldn't I at least be skinny? (I am not in the least skinny. More on the chubby side. And I look like a mom.) I'm wondering why my ex didn't pick a more likely drug I might possibly do if he's going to make me a drug addict. Like pot. People like to eat when they're stoned, right? And no, this isn't funny, it's outrageous. Especially since I've been sober 23 years. I was sober when I met my ex. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. My daughter has spent time with this acquaintance. My daughter told her, "My mom doesn't love me. My mom doesn't care about me." It breaks my heart. That is what she has been told. She's been brainwashed all these years and she believes it. The new wife has been told that I am crazy, I am unsafe, I will harm her and the kids. She believes it. My ex is very convincing. I know. I believed him. His new wife is only 26. He is 47. I don't understand marrying someone so much older than yourself who has kids who are closer to your age than your spouse is. Our oldest son is 21, our middle 18, our daughter 15. The new wife would be more appropriate for my sons to date. And she is raising them. I have heard my middle son moved out and hates the world. I don't blame him for hating the world. I would too. Sometimes I do now. I try not to hate my ex-husband. Mostly, I don't. But when I found out he tells everyone I am a crack-head loser who doesn't care about her kids and is out of the picture by choice, I felt hate. Hate that he would do that to our kids. Especially our daughter.

Why

I still don't know how it is possible. I still say to myself constantly, How? Why? Why? I never wanted the kid's dad out of their lives. Ever. I never would have even tried. Why?

I think about what I did do. What is it? I search and grasp, trying to understand. I try to put myself in my ex-husband's place. What would make him want to cut me out of our children's lives? Why would he want to raise them himself? He said to his attorney that our daughter went through withdrawals from me. In the beginning. In the first six months he said she went through withdrawals. His attorney told my attorney. My daughter was only eleven. Why would he want to deal with that? Why would he want to put my daughter through that? I couldn't imagine wanting to go through that. I would be calling the kids' dad. I have tried to imagine what would be going on in his mind, in his soul, to make him act that way. I can't.

Then I imagine the kids. Why would they be so mad at me they don't want to speak to me? Why would they hate me? That is easier to see. I had an affair. I cheated on their father and then asked him to move out of our home. Shortly after that, I moved my boyfriend into our home. Then a few months later I put our house on the market and moved to Washington. And abandoned them. That is how they would see it. That is how their dad would tell it to them. And that would make perfect sense why they would hate me. Be so angry at me. An anger that would keep growing.

One of the therapists I was able to speak with in the beginning, that my ex did take the kids to a few times when I was supposed to have reunification therapy with them, told me the kids asked why I couldn't just get an apartment and a job like other divorced moms.

I didn't see. And they didn't see.
Why couldn't I just get a job like other divorced moms?

I was a stay at home mom for seventeen years. I had no job skills to speak of. I was afraid. My attorney told me not to work until the divorce was final. She thought I would get spousal. And since we assumed the kids would live primarily with me--child support. I didn't think I could take care of myself let alone my children. My ex-husband did everything financially. Paid all the bills, handled all the accounts. Then he cut off my access to the accounts. He emptied the bank accounts and did not give me any money. He stopped paying the mortgage. I sold everything I could sell. And the bills kept coming.

I don't understand the why and how myself. I'm sure the kids don't understand. I don't.

Passport to Europe

My ex contacted me two days after Christmas. I have had no contact with him for a year and a half. He texted that our daughter was going to Europe in February and, "she needs you to sign the form for her passport. Please choose a notary that is convenient for you so I can drop it off for you to sign." Just that. No, "Hi, how are you? The kids are well." No, "Gee, we'd really like you to do this."

He needed me to sign the form because she is a minor and I still have legal custody. That's all the text was. No explanation about the trip to Europe. No aside about how the kids were doing. Nothing. My first thought was now he needed something from me. Never has he responded when I've asked about the kids...except on the rare occasion I've mentioned going back to court over custody issues. Then he's responded to threaten me. In a year and a half all I get is this one text. An order. Do this now. On his command. My next thought was, if he wants something from me can't he at least ask nice? I texted back, "We will probably need to discuss this trip." I'm thinking, if I am going to sign for my daughter to get a passport to go to Europe, I would like to know something about the conditions under which she is going. I am her mother after all.

My ex has always made commands. He texted, "This is the only thing your daughter has ever asked of you." I responded that it wasn't her asking it of me, it was him asking it of me.

I then received a text from a different number, "This is the least you can do. I do not wish to speak to you. And I would appreciate it if you would sign the form for my passport so I can even go. So please give me the name and address of a place I can take the form to." I texted back to ask if it was my ex-husband. I got a text back from the new number, "No."

I called the number to make sure the message had come from her phone. I haven't had the kids' numbers for a long time. I really hoped she would answer, but I was very nervous. What do you say in all that time? There is uneasiness, hostility, ugliness. She has written, "I do not wish to speak to you." It was her voice on the message. I still recognized her voice, mannerisms in her speech. She sounded sweet, and a little flippant. I left a message saying, "Hi, this is your mom. It is nice to get to hear your voice. I am excited for you to go to Europe, and I am happy to sign the form for you to get your passport. I would just like to know a little more about the trip. I love you and I miss you very much." She soon texted, "Are you going to help me or continue to hold it over my head?"

This is my child. The daughter I have not spoken to in four and a half years. She has gone from a child to a young woman. The daughter who has grown over a foot since I've laid eyes on her. My child.

Because I am her mother and I share legal custody they needed my signature for her to get a passport. I would've have liked to have used that signature to my advantage. I said we could meet in person and I could sign it. I wrote that to both her and her dad. She said she would take that as a no, and my ex said never mind. I wrote that I had never said I wouldn't sign it. I said I was happy to. My ex wrote, "Great. I think this'll be a big step in getting you two back together. I'll even set up reunification therapy when she gets back from Europe." My stomach flipped, a surge of joy ran through me. And my head said, "Don't believe it." How often had he dangled that carrot before? He dangled carrots all through our divorce, pretending to be reasonable, agreeing to do things he never did, or that he did the exact opposite of, signed court orders he then defied. He'd actually dangled carrots in front of me our entire marriage, and then snatched them away as soon as I got close enough to take a bite.

I ended up asking him to send me the information of where to to go to sign the paper. I would do it for my daughter. I did not want to give her father any more ammunition to use to poison her against me. I hope she is safe. I hope she has a wonderful time.

Come Back To Me

I've seen my friend's daughter. My daughter and my friend's daughter played together when they were little. From the time they were babies. Less as they were in elementary school and made their own friendships, little cliques. And then it stopped completely when I separated from my husband.

My friend's daughter is beautiful. A lovely teenager. Blonde, blue-eyed, all American-type beautiful. She looks very California, effortless, carefree. I've only seen her in person once or twice since my divorce. It is hard for me since I haven't seen my daughter in all that time. I have no idea what my daughter looks like. When I saw my friend's daughter I stared and stared at her. Such a transformation. She squirmed and blushed as I practically gobbled her up with my eyes, my mouth open...wanting to absorb the changes that had probably occurred with my daughter. I apologized for staring at her, and this seemed to make her more uncomfortable. My friend made comments about how her daughter was the typical teenager, you know, self-conscious and self-absorbed. No, I didn't know. Just concerned with herself, her friends, wanting to go out all the time, you know. But no, I didn't. I don't know.

I used to read my daughter poems before bed. She asked for Shel Silverstein, Where The Sidewalk Ends. I'd sit in the wicker chair as she laid in the bottom bunk of her bed. I sat at a distance from her, and I think now, why didn't I sit closer to her? Why didn't I read longer? Why didn't I just stick to my kids like glue?

I set up an FB account a while ago. I set it up with a name close to my middle son's name, and added an initial. My rationale was he couldn't block himself. Because he'd blocked me.

I was thinking, my kids are adrift without their mother. I was thinking, they are grief stricken. And I was responsible for their well-being. It was my job to rescue them, to keep them safe, to raise them up and prepare them for this world. Apparently, I wasn't up to the job. And I was not taking into account their father and his capabilities. I was seeing myself and my children in a cove, cliffs surrounding us, sheltered from the elements, with the sea beyond. I was the mother bird going to get food and regurgitating it for her young so that it was palatable to them. And they were bald little birds, with squawking beaks open, hungry and waiting for their meal.

I fear my daughter has a hole where a mother would go. Because I have a hole where children should go. I have anxiety always because I am not there for them.

Their father effectively abducted our children without ever leaving the state, let alone the city. He scarcely moved at all. A few blocks from our former home. He accomplished this so cleverly it was fairly within the legal system, and with the help of an attorney. They were abducted before they ever left home. If there had been pictures on a milk carton, "Have you seen me?", I would not have known them. They were not the same children. They were brainwashed to believe their mother wanted to do them harm. He made them think I wanted to kidnap them. On the two occasions I saw my youngest and my middle child, in the first six months after they moved in with their dad, they ran from me.

I felt a bit of uneasiness in my gut creating a facebook account in my son's name, just changing one character. I rationalized it by saying, he is the only way to get through to my other two children. And, he blocked me but he wouldn't think to block a name like his. Any variation of my name I was sure was blocked. My other two children had little information on google search at all. There was a blurb about my daughter from ten years ago when she played soccer. I didn't know how to try to find them. My ex had cut off all means of communication with them. I figured my middle son was the only way of trying to get through to them. To any of them.

Their grandma, my ex mother in law, is the one address I have for my kids. I send things there, letters, gifts, and hope it reaches them. I have no way of knowing. It has been this way for over four years. Except in the very beginning. I sent Keegan a letter and he wrote on the outside in his asymmetrical, awkward childish writing 'return to sender'. I sent it back again even though it had come back to me.