Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Valentine's Day

Hello to my dear, beloved children.  Happy Valentine's Day.  I used to give you candy and hearts on Valentine's.   Do you remember?  I do.  Not to be cliche, but you are my heart.  I hold on to memories of you as children, snuggled into me, and in my imagination there you are and I can hold you and keep you safe.

Often I feel afraid, imagining what you have endured, what may have happened in your lives. When I imagine your past without meI feel as if I'm standing at the edge of a very high cliff, a deep crevasse below partially obscured with fog and clouds, and there is fear in my stomach and an ache in my legs (I am afraid of heights.)
Then, I imagine each of you surrounded by white light and love, because, what else can I do?

My middle son.  It has been seven and a half years.  Do you ever read this?  God, do you know how much I love you?  How much I always loved you and cared?  You are isolated from all your family now.  My parents, my sister, your dad is in Texas. (Do you know now that crack cocaine doesn't make you sleep?)  I see your grandma frequently.  We all spent your brother's birthday celebrating together.  It would have been nice if it could have always been like that, a family that although there was divorce, feelings could have been mended or put aside for the sake of you kids, and there could have been some kind of cooperation, peace and mutual child-rearing. That didn't happen.  But today your dad's mother and I get along nicely, and we are working together to give your brother support.

Your grandma told me you thought while you were growing up that I took naps in the afternoon because I was on crack. (I guess this is what your dad told you.)  I'm honestly not sure because I've never done crack, but  I don't think it makes you sleep. The people I've seen who do crack are skinny, lose teeth, and have nasty skin.  None of which described me while you were growing up.  It turns out that the bipolar medication I was on caused me to have to sleep a lot--primarily the lithium.  I've since found out in the years after I separated from your dad that I do not have bipolar disorder and I was on medication I didn't need.    There is no way to address the things which were said about me really, and I don't want to use this blog to defend myself against boogeymen I'm not even sure of--I just know many lies were spread.  There are some things I did that I am not proud of--actions I took. However, I never left you. I did not abandon you. Our relationship was systematically and obsessively destroyed. I always loved you and wanted to be with you, and wanted to be your mother.