Why

I still don't know how it is possible. I still say to myself constantly, How? Why? Why? I never wanted the kid's dad out of their lives. Ever. I never would have even tried. Why?

I think about what I did do. What is it? I search and grasp, trying to understand. I try to put myself in my ex-husband's place. What would make him want to cut me out of our children's lives? Why would he want to raise them himself? He said to his attorney that our daughter went through withdrawals from me. In the beginning. In the first six months he said she went through withdrawals. His attorney told my attorney. My daughter was only eleven. Why would he want to deal with that? Why would he want to put my daughter through that? I couldn't imagine wanting to go through that. I would be calling the kids' dad. I have tried to imagine what would be going on in his mind, in his soul, to make him act that way. I can't.

Then I imagine the kids. Why would they be so mad at me they don't want to speak to me? Why would they hate me? That is easier to see. I had an affair. I cheated on their father and then asked him to move out of our home. Shortly after that, I moved my boyfriend into our home. Then a few months later I put our house on the market and moved to Washington. And abandoned them. That is how they would see it. That is how their dad would tell it to them. And that would make perfect sense why they would hate me. Be so angry at me. An anger that would keep growing.

One of the therapists I was able to speak with in the beginning, that my ex did take the kids to a few times when I was supposed to have reunification therapy with them, told me the kids asked why I couldn't just get an apartment and a job like other divorced moms.

I didn't see. And they didn't see.
Why couldn't I just get a job like other divorced moms?

I was a stay at home mom for seventeen years. I had no job skills to speak of. I was afraid. My attorney told me not to work until the divorce was final. She thought I would get spousal. And since we assumed the kids would live primarily with me--child support. I didn't think I could take care of myself let alone my children. My ex-husband did everything financially. Paid all the bills, handled all the accounts. Then he cut off my access to the accounts. He emptied the bank accounts and did not give me any money. He stopped paying the mortgage. I sold everything I could sell. And the bills kept coming.

I don't understand the why and how myself. I'm sure the kids don't understand. I don't.