Why

I still don't know how it is possible. I still say to myself constantly, How? Why? Why? I never wanted the kid's dad out of their lives. Ever. I never would have even tried. Why?

I think about what I did do. What is it? I search and grasp, trying to understand. I try to put myself in my ex-husband's place. What would make him want to cut me out of our children's lives? Why would he want to raise them himself? He said to his attorney that our daughter went through withdrawals from me. In the beginning. In the first six months he said she went through withdrawals. His attorney told my attorney. My daughter was only eleven. Why would he want to deal with that? Why would he want to put my daughter through that? I couldn't imagine wanting to go through that. I would be calling the kids' dad. I have tried to imagine what would be going on in his mind, in his soul, to make him act that way. I can't.

Then I imagine the kids. Why would they be so mad at me they don't want to speak to me? Why would they hate me? That is easier to see. I had an affair. I cheated on their father and then asked him to move out of our home. Shortly after that, I moved my boyfriend into our home. Then a few months later I put our house on the market and moved to Washington. And abandoned them. That is how they would see it. That is how their dad would tell it to them. And that would make perfect sense why they would hate me. Be so angry at me. An anger that would keep growing.

One of the therapists I was able to speak with in the beginning, that my ex did take the kids to a few times when I was supposed to have reunification therapy with them, told me the kids asked why I couldn't just get an apartment and a job like other divorced moms.

I didn't see. And they didn't see.
Why couldn't I just get a job like other divorced moms?

I was a stay at home mom for seventeen years. I had no job skills to speak of. I was afraid. My attorney told me not to work until the divorce was final. She thought I would get spousal. And since we assumed the kids would live primarily with me--child support. I didn't think I could take care of myself let alone my children. My ex-husband did everything financially. Paid all the bills, handled all the accounts. Then he cut off my access to the accounts. He emptied the bank accounts and did not give me any money. He stopped paying the mortgage. I sold everything I could sell. And the bills kept coming.

I don't understand the why and how myself. I'm sure the kids don't understand. I don't.

Passport to Europe

My ex contacted me two days after Christmas. I have had no contact with him for a year and a half. He texted that our daughter was going to Europe in February and, "she needs you to sign the form for her passport. Please choose a notary that is convenient for you so I can drop it off for you to sign." Just that. No, "Hi, how are you? The kids are well." No, "Gee, we'd really like you to do this."

He needed me to sign the form because she is a minor and I still have legal custody. That's all the text was. No explanation about the trip to Europe. No aside about how the kids were doing. Nothing. My first thought was now he needed something from me. Never has he responded when I've asked about the kids...except on the rare occasion I've mentioned going back to court over custody issues. Then he's responded to threaten me. In a year and a half all I get is this one text. An order. Do this now. On his command. My next thought was, if he wants something from me can't he at least ask nice? I texted back, "We will probably need to discuss this trip." I'm thinking, if I am going to sign for my daughter to get a passport to go to Europe, I would like to know something about the conditions under which she is going. I am her mother after all.

My ex has always made commands. He texted, "This is the only thing your daughter has ever asked of you." I responded that it wasn't her asking it of me, it was him asking it of me.

I then received a text from a different number, "This is the least you can do. I do not wish to speak to you. And I would appreciate it if you would sign the form for my passport so I can even go. So please give me the name and address of a place I can take the form to." I texted back to ask if it was my ex-husband. I got a text back from the new number, "No."

I called the number to make sure the message had come from her phone. I haven't had the kids' numbers for a long time. I really hoped she would answer, but I was very nervous. What do you say in all that time? There is uneasiness, hostility, ugliness. She has written, "I do not wish to speak to you." It was her voice on the message. I still recognized her voice, mannerisms in her speech. She sounded sweet, and a little flippant. I left a message saying, "Hi, this is your mom. It is nice to get to hear your voice. I am excited for you to go to Europe, and I am happy to sign the form for you to get your passport. I would just like to know a little more about the trip. I love you and I miss you very much." She soon texted, "Are you going to help me or continue to hold it over my head?"

This is my child. The daughter I have not spoken to in four and a half years. She has gone from a child to a young woman. The daughter who has grown over a foot since I've laid eyes on her. My child.

Because I am her mother and I share legal custody they needed my signature for her to get a passport. I would've have liked to have used that signature to my advantage. I said we could meet in person and I could sign it. I wrote that to both her and her dad. She said she would take that as a no, and my ex said never mind. I wrote that I had never said I wouldn't sign it. I said I was happy to. My ex wrote, "Great. I think this'll be a big step in getting you two back together. I'll even set up reunification therapy when she gets back from Europe." My stomach flipped, a surge of joy ran through me. And my head said, "Don't believe it." How often had he dangled that carrot before? He dangled carrots all through our divorce, pretending to be reasonable, agreeing to do things he never did, or that he did the exact opposite of, signed court orders he then defied. He'd actually dangled carrots in front of me our entire marriage, and then snatched them away as soon as I got close enough to take a bite.

I ended up asking him to send me the information of where to to go to sign the paper. I would do it for my daughter. I did not want to give her father any more ammunition to use to poison her against me. I hope she is safe. I hope she has a wonderful time.

Only In My Dreams

I dreamt about my middle son early this morming. He was older, probably 16. This was different for me because when I dream of my kids they are always the ages they were when I saw them last, or younger.

In my dream he was taller than me, but his body and his face looked like it did when I was last with him, when he was 14, and still thicker than my other two children and his face round. I was staying at my best friend from high school's house in Washington, but the house was like a hotel, and she no longer lived there. My head felt cloudy, like I was sick with flu. My mom and sister were staying at my friend's with me. We were all getting ready to leave, it seemed to be check-out time, and they got irritated and left without me. I had no car and no money. I had to get back to California, and it was urgent. I needed to get back to California. I'm not sure why it was urgent in my dream. I felt abandoned and helpless, angry at my mom and sister.

In real life my attorney had told me to go to WA and live with my mom and put my house up for short sale, and then shortly after she told me get back to CA as soon as I could so I could try to get custody or at least visitation with my kids. And this whole time--in real life--I had no money, and no resources.

It was that kind of urgency in my dream. I was in a panic trying to figure out how to get back to California. And then my son, Keegan, walked into the room. I still hadn't seen him in four years, and it was like he didn't know I was there. He came into the bathroom as I was brushing my teeth. He seemed a bit surprised to see me, but not much. He was out of it,hungover, acted pretty drunk. I was thrilled to see him, amazed at how different he looked, but he was still the same Keegan, just drunk. I didn't want to scare him off. I didn't hug him as I wanted to, I wanted to throw my arms around him and not let go. He was taller than me and bigger. There were boys outside the room calling, "Hurry up!" I told him I was happy to see him. I commented that he must not be feeling too well. He asked why I would say that. I told him I was hungover all the time when I was a teenager. He grabbed a toothbrush and began to brush his teeth and I moved out of the way. He was not running from me, which I figured was a good sign. I initially expected him too--he had in real life. Part of me was panicked--how could I stay in his presence as long as possible? I asked if he would like to have lunch. I said that his grandma and aunt would love to see him too, it had been so long. Even though I was not sure at that moment where they were. He continued brushing his teeth, but seemed to be thinking it over. His friends called for him again. The room was dark and I began rolling up a sleeping bag, wondering how I would take all my stuff with me. He said, Sure, I guess we could have lunch. And he was my Keegan again. There had been a wide gap between us, anxiety and panic in my heart as I waited for his answer, but now I felt comfort, connected again.

If only it was that way in real life. And if money and homelessness did not matter, choices could be reversed, resentments evaporate and vanish, wounds miraculously heal. But in dreams, at least, I am with my children.

Fight, Fight, Fight

I wish I would have had the money and the guts to fight for my kids. My ex just wanted me out of his life, and the kids' lives completely, once he understood we were no longer going to be together. Anything it took to get me completely out of their lives he was going to do. And he did it.

I am not saying I am a perfect parent, or I did everything perfectly. I have made many, many mistakes. But I believe it is a child's right to have both parents in their lives. Unless there is a good reason for that not to happen.

I know my ex left a message on my daughter's phone on her eleventh birthday saying I was on drugs, and that my 'boyfriend' was a criminal. I know because I listened to her message which ordinarily I didn't do. I wanted to encourage her to stay in contact with her father, and when we were going through the separation and she said she missed him I told her to call him. If he wanted to come over, I'd go out so she and her dad could hang out.

A month before we separated we had gone up to Oregon for spring break to spend the Easter holiday with my sister, brother-in-law, niece, and my mom and step-father. We drove up from California, with my daughter and eldest son. My middle son wanted to stay home in CA with his grandma, and my ex-husband agreed against my wishes.

We got to my sister's house where we had spent much time during many summers. My daughter was happy to see her little cousin Maddie, and her aunt, uncle, grandma and grandpa. My oldest seemed pleased to be there too, but mostly interested in his video games.

My ex decided on Easter day to leave me at my sister's and drive back to California. We were just getting the table set up for Easter dinner. Apparently, he had heard me discussing some of our marital problems in the kitchen with my mom and sister. Next thing I knew he was loading his suitcase in the suburban. I ran outside, baffled and scared. He said, "That's it. I'm divorcing you!" I asked him to stay, to discuss it. I said I was sorry I'd been discussing our problems with my mother and sister. He said he was leaving.

He told our son and daughter to go with him. I told them it was up to them if they wanted to stay or go. I was shaking from head to toe, feeling like jelly on the inside, but I willed myself to stay calm for the kids. My family seemed on the sidelines, out of vision. I heard a few pleas of, "Jim, calm down. Come eat some dinner." I'm not sure who said it, but I'm pretty sure my sister, brother-in-law, mom and step-father all did.

My daughter clung to my waist while her dad begged her to come with him. Easter dinner was on the table and our eldest son was in the passenger seat of the suburban ready to go. My daughter said, "I'm staying with mom." She had been put in the middle, stretched like a rubber band, put in a position I didn't want her to have to be in, of having to chose. Her dad kept saying, "Come home with me. I want you to come with me."

My daughter and I stayed at my sister's for the rest of spring break. The weather was nice and we went kayaking on a lake nearby, rode the horses, played with my niece, and enjoyed getting to be around family. My daughter didn't ask too much about her dad, but became very anxious if I was out of her sight.

My family didn't seem that surprised by my ex's behavior. They put it down to an extreme over-reaction. My mother didn't tell me until we were in the process of divorce that Jim had called and left a message on her phone the night he left. His message was that in the event I needed to be hospitalized, (apparently assuming I would have a breakdown because he left) would my mother please ride on the airplane with my daughter to bring her home.

Another Un-Anniversary

My former wedding anniversary came and went. I thought of my ex-husband on that day, July 14, not realizing it was our anniversary. I had been thinking, "I will text him and plead with him to help me see the kids." I didn't text him because I knew in my heart that if I got any response at all, it would be negative. And later on toward the evening I realized it was our anniversary.

I keep thinking that there must be something I can do to change this. That somehow I can change the fact that it has been four years now since I have laid eyes on my children. That I can turn back the clock and get those years back with them. I have had a huge hole in my heart. And I am convinced that they have needed their mother. Then I wonder, is there some major life lesson here that I am supposed to learn? That my kids are supposed to learn? My ex?

I looked at a picture of my daughter today. It was a photo of her around the time that I saw her last. She has large dark eyes, thick hair, a dimple to the side of her cheek. She is beautiful. I looked carefully. Did she look like a child with an unstable family life? Did she appear as though she knew she was loved?

I saw a recent picture of my middle son. (Because I look for my kids online all the time.) He looks a lot like his father. He has a bit of a mustache. I don't know that I would recognize him in a crowd. He is tall and thin, and his hair is styled in a sort-of rockabilly way like his dad's.

I felt betrayed seeing the photograph.. I had missed the transition from child to adult completely. My son went from stocky, cuddly and cute, to a tall thin man with a mustache and deep voice. My child is gone.

I May Never See Them Again

Sometimes it feel like my chest will implode. It will cave in from being empty and rotting on the inside.

How to decribe this sadness? I haven't seen my kids in so long. I don't know what they look like. I know they must look different. Four years. The major transformation. Teenagers, then young adults. All kid years are transformative years. I feel resentment at parents that have children, have their children period.

It is not the pain it was before. The pain of every day being dark, one I did not think I could live through. The pain raw, open, blood fresh on the surface.

At first, in every child, I would see my own. A skinny long-limbed girl with thick auburn hair. A stocky, laughing boy with mocking eyes, my middle son. An awkward, knock-kneed boy with fair skin, large clear brown eyes, halting speech, my eldest.

Sometimes it hits hard, air sucked from my lungs, like I am drowning. A scab pulled off a wound that has begun to close up, ripped fresh. Always I feel a dull, constant ache.

There is a real possibilty I don't ever want to look at head-on. But it is there. I may never see them again. I may never know them as they are. The possibility is that all I will have of my children are my memories. The looks backward in the rear-view mirror that are never quite accurate. The feelings that are unquestionable.

It is Christmas

It is Christmas time. Children are everywhere. I look at couples with children. Families. It seems like a group or club, I no longer belong to. That I never belonged to. A lie I made up.

It is as though I invented a life full of detail, in which I gave birth to three beautiful children. A grand hallucination, and all a lie.

I grieve daily, over and over, many deaths. The death of my role as a mother. The deaths of my children from my life.

At Christmas time, I remember decorating the tree with ornaments they made at school. Usually the ornament had a photo of their little face at the center. We baked cookies and frosted them, wrapped gifts.

I remember snuggling them, my nose in their hair. Each of them smelled different. My oldest had a sweet, soft smell, my middle was pungent, my youngest a combination of the two. Their smells were the same from the time they were babies till I saw them last.

It would be easier, it seems, if it were a beautiful and sad lie. A life I concocted for myself that never truly existed. A story of a family with three very real-seeming children, dogs and cats, rabbits and lizards and birds, mismathced socks,video games blaring through the house, kids yelling, "Mom, mom, mom, mooooommmm!!" A story I read. That I imagined to be true. Christmases of Barbie, and Power Rangers, Star Wars and candy, baking cookies and going to grandma's, wrapping gifts and hiding them under the bed. Putting my kids in flannel pajamas for Christmas Eve that were much too warm for Southern California.

I cannot talk about my kids without feeling I am lying. When I tell stories of things that have happened, I feel I have no right to the stories. I feel the stories belong to my children now. That I am not suppossed to have even the memories.

So Christmas time is here. And I have plenty of memories that I feel are not mine to have. And plenty of stories that I feel are not mine to tell.

I Used To Be A Mom

The holidays are starting again--and during the holidays I am acutely aware of my children's absence. I am aware all the time. So I guess that is a gross misunderstatement.

Now it has been nearly three and a half years without them. During this time I have been trying to survive.

I don't go around telling people I don't have my kids. I do find myself saying, "When I used to have kids-". This is a blunder I quickly try to cover up, that I hope others don't notice. I feel my face redden, and inside I feel a hole opening. Sometimes I see the other person's expression change to one of bafflement and judgement. The judgement part could be me, judging myself.

People always ask, "Do you have kids?" I want to tell them the truth. I want to say, "I used to." What I say is, "Yes." They ask, "How many?" I say, "Three. Two boys and a girl." They ask, "How old?"

I have to stop and think about it. How old are they now? I hope people don't notice this pause. Especially when your children are younger you can rattle off their ages to the day, practically.

To me, my children haven't aged at all. They are still the ages they were when I saw them last. I have not seen them in person since that time, three and a half years ago. This was the last time they went, each, individually, for a 'visit' with their father.

Keegan was short and stocky still, fourteen, he left with his backpack and his skateboard. Tanith, too, left with a backpack. When Keegan left he was mad at me, in a fit, and he called his dad to come get him. Tanith, same thing. I don't believe they made up their minds to leave. Levi, on the other hand, had. He decided when I told him I had a boyfriend. I think the next day he told me, "Mom, on the last day of school, I am going to live with dad." He said this very calmly.

School was over in about two weeks, out for the summer. I didn't believe him, I thought maybe he was angry and saying something he didn't mean. Without emotion of course, because he never really expressed emotion. He has Asperger's syndrome. And he did say things he didn't mean, or that were majorly skewed in some way, very black and white. But when the last day of school came, and by then I had mostly forgotten about his pledge to move in with his dad, Levi calmly packed up two back packs, (as far as I could tell just with video games,) and his dad came to pick him up. My mother-in-law came back in the house with Levi just a few minutes after he'd gone out the door, to hurriedly gather some clothes. (My ex was living at his mother's.) She scarcely looked at me and did not smile. It was awkward, scary, uncomfortable. I did not think Levi would really leave. He seemed composed and deliberate. Levi and his grandma went out the door, their arms ladden with his things, and got in the suburban with his dad. That was June 21, 2007. I haven't seen my son since.

I feel like I'm lying when people ask me if I have children and I say,"Yes."

I want to tell the truth. I want to say, "No. I used to have children." Or, "I was a mom. But I lost my job." Something like that. And when they ask me how old my kids are and I tell them, I feel like I should say, "At least I think that's how old they are. I haven't seen them in over three years, so I don't really know."
And then they ask me what grade they are in, and again, I feel like I need a giant disclaimer: "All characters and names in this story are fictious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental."